How I Am Feeling Today

I’m feeling a little over whelmed today. I haven’t been able to concentrate on writing for some time. I told myself that today I would open my computer and just write how I feel.

I’ve been searching for a full-time job for a while now since my divorce was final this past summer. I had a phone interview that I thought went well recently, but today I received an email saying the company would not be moving forward with my application, a response that has become familiar to me. Very disappointing. We’re told, “Don’t take it personal.” Maybe that is true.

It was a good job with training, good pay and benefits. I would like to be able to say that “it wasn’t the right job for me” or “it wasn’t meant to be” but maybe the truth is I’ve arrived at a point in my life where I’m not really marketable? I don’t really believe that, but I question myself since joining the “over 50” category. Can recruiters sense that I’m over 50, or extrapolate that from my data I submit? I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t sell my experience and skills in the right way to translate into a highly qualified candidate?

My logical self knows that there are many reasons why a person is not selected for a specific position. Maybe I didn’t gel with the interviewer; maybe the interviewer sensed that I wouldn’t fit into the company culture (I thought I did.); maybe it was simply that the candidates selected were much more qualified for the job than me; who knows?

I think what I am realizing though is that I truly am going to have to make my own opportunities. It’s like a painter or a musician: my canvas and me-that is all I need; my piano and me-that is all I need. Likewise, my computer and my experiences-that is all *I* need.

I look down at my recent tattoo as I pull up the sleeve of my cozy sweater. It reads: I am enough. Do I believe it?

Yes, I *want* to believe it! I had the tattoo artist create a quill to punctuate my words as if it was an exclamation point. I still love it. I believe in myself. I have a tough time thinking that other people do though, or that I can influence people. I saw a challenge the other day that said: if you knew your book was going to make money, how fast could you then finish it? Or, something like that. I find that to be true. So often we don’t know if our efforts will pay off, so we think- is this work really worth it? Some people just seem to know, but on-the-other-hand maybe they didn’t know—maybe they just went for it anyway. I think the latter is most likely the answer.

I love reading biographies. Some recent ones I have read are: In Pieces by Sally Field, Becoming by Michelle Obama and My Love Story by Tina Turner. I recommend them all! We look on the surface at the lives of these very successful ladies. We see polished, lovely, happy women. We assume they live their lives effortlessly. Why do we do that? Of course, they have challenges and barriers to overcome just like all of us! Tina Turner’s story is possibly, very likely known by most people, but Michelle Obama and Sally Field, not so much. (Of course, they will be now since the popularity of both books.) And some of their struggles, are much greater than anything I have ever faced. Yet, I feel lost and confused today somehow unable to complete the tasks I know I should.

“No one has a carefree life.” A truthful quote I remember from Mrs. Hughes, a character from Downton Abbey, played by Phyllis Logan, on the Masterpiece Classic television series. Sometimes, as I scroll through Facebook and Instagram looking at all the seemingly wonderful lives, I do well to remember that very fact. However, I’ve spent less and less time lately comparing myself to others doing far less scrolling along with turning off the TV (something I have come to respect of my married daughter), and turned my attention to the compelling stories of the new #metoo era we are in. It is wonderful that so many women are sharing their personal stories in depth.

I  need to know that I am not alone in my struggles (most likely you do too). I keep reminding myself that my situation is temporary, that I will grow, change and move forward…soon, *if*, I keep on searching, keep on being excellent, keep on doing the work.

“Too many of us count ourselves out before we even get a chance. We can be our own worst enemies. Do the work. Be excellent. You’ll find your place, and it may just be where you least expect it.” — Wake Up Happy by Michael Strahan

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